Friday 22 May 2009

I just can't get it out out of my head

A non-knitting post tonight.
The title suggests an inner struggle, which is true. I cannot get the thoughts of having another baby out of my head for quite a while now. Lovely! I hear you all say, but I don't think it's quite that simple. I work full time and childcare is very expensive in Ireland. Plus, my daughter currently goes to a private school that costs €5K a year. In this economic climate I don't see how I can afford both.
Shut up! I hear you say! Having a child is not a financial exercise, it's an act of love, a desire to spread your family. This is where I present my problem. I cannot stop thinking about me. I reckon I'm just a selfish person. But, I had awful PND after Alice. I mean I considered ending it all I felt so bad. It was not a place I ever want to be in again. Ever. So I'm scared of that repeating. Plus there was the inadequacy feelings coz I couldn't breastfeed, which are doubled now coz of my dodgy boob. And, where does my dream of a holiday/retirement home in Florida stand if I have two mouths to feed?
Another reason - Alice is 8 now. Tha's a big gap. I sense jealousy.

Anyhoo, I don't really know why I'm posting this as it's totally NOT knitting related, (or is it? TONS of yummy baby stuff) but maybe you, blog friends, can help me? Should I say no due to money and selfish reasons, or should I risk PND and daily sickness and God knows how we'll manage for the joy of new cuddly cheeks? I'm so torn, I swear.

BTW, There's no obligation to comment on this one. Honest. I think it's more of a need to vent on my part, and I just don't have anyone close to me that I can vent to.


craft-chick said...

It's good to hear someone else having this dilemna. My little guy is 4 1/2, and while I think (a lot) of having another one, I think of the things I won't be able to do with my son if finances are spread over two. There are no easy answers, good luck!

Nikki said...

just thought I'd let you know that there's 18 years between me and my sister, lol. Alice wouldn't be jealous, she'd love to be helping out I think

WorstedKnitt said...

That's a tough one! I think you need to sit down and really look into your heart to see what you really really want. There's nothing bad in being selfish, either! Good luck!

Nicola said...

I don't think it's a selfish thing at all. Wanting another child (or any child) is a whole heap of love, hormones, emotions, wishes and dreams and it's not at all easy to choose between those and the practical issues such as finances, pressures of work etc.

Of course there are no certainties, but I'm pretty sure that Alice would be fine about it. There's jealousy/rivalry between siblings no matter what the age gap, but she's old enough to cope and to enjoy it too.

I've found that a 2nd child is a huge amount of work tho', especially if you're at work as well, so it's worth considering how the family would cope with the change.

Whatever you decide, you have a nice little family unit who will be behind you. All the best!

Tara said...

I think you're a wonderful, thoughtful, caring person with loads of love to give.

The truth is, it's never a good time to have a child. There will always be reasons not to.

Tell me something: have you ever considered adoption? Seems to me like the perfect way to fulfill this desire of yours. No physical yuckies, and you're giving someone love and care that they really, truly need. I know that if I were to want another child, that's what I'd do.

Tough questions, and none that we blog friends can answer for you, I'm afraid. :)