A non-knitting post tonight.
The title suggests an inner struggle, which is true. I cannot get the thoughts of having another baby out of my head for quite a while now. Lovely! I hear you all say, but I don't think it's quite that simple. I work full time and childcare is very expensive in Ireland. Plus, my daughter currently goes to a private school that costs €5K a year. In this economic climate I don't see how I can afford both.
Shut up! I hear you say! Having a child is not a financial exercise, it's an act of love, a desire to spread your family. This is where I present my problem. I cannot stop thinking about me. I reckon I'm just a selfish person. But, I had awful PND after Alice. I mean I considered ending it all I felt so bad. It was not a place I ever want to be in again. Ever. So I'm scared of that repeating. Plus there was the inadequacy feelings coz I couldn't breastfeed, which are doubled now coz of my dodgy boob. And, where does my dream of a holiday/retirement home in Florida stand if I have two mouths to feed?
Another reason - Alice is 8 now. Tha's a big gap. I sense jealousy.
Anyhoo, I don't really know why I'm posting this as it's totally NOT knitting related, (or is it? TONS of yummy baby stuff) but maybe you, blog friends, can help me? Should I say no due to money and selfish reasons, or should I risk PND and daily sickness and God knows how we'll manage for the joy of new cuddly cheeks? I'm so torn, I swear.
BTW, There's no obligation to comment on this one. Honest. I think it's more of a need to vent on my part, and I just don't have anyone close to me that I can vent to.
5 hours ago